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Newsletter Volume 18 - May 22, 2002
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Some words — such as insults and mockery — obviously damage
relationships. Other words that are apparently neutral, however,
may also damage relationships. In each of the following examples,
the speaker had no malicious intent, but his/her words nonetheless
distanced the person spoken to from the person mentioned, even when
the speaker didn't even realize they knew each other.
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Learn How to Speak Neutrally
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Speech that Distances
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Neutral Speech
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Nancy: "I'm so exhausted. Meg's party was great,
but it went so late that I didn't get to sleep till after three."
Pat: "Meg had a party and didn't invite me? I thought
we were friends. Apparently we're not!" |
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Nancy: "I'm so exhausted. I didn't get to sleep
till after three."
Pat: "I know how you feel. I watched a late movie
the other night, and was a zombie the next day." |
Tom: "I'm sorry you lost the election, Fred. I voted
for you, but I guess a lot of people, like my neighbor Ted Marx,
thought you lacked experience."
Fred: "Ted Marx didn't vote for me? Well, I was
about to hire him as an accountant for my law firm. He can forget
that contract." |
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Tom: "I'm sorry you lost the election, Fred. I voted
for you, but I guess a lot of people thought you lacked experience."
Fred: "Well, Tom, I appreciate your support. I'm
going to try to rack up some more civic experience and run again
in two years." |
Mother: "Are you sure that diet you're on works?
Your sister Adele said that it was discredited years ago. She
said that no one who's serious about losing weight would follow
it."
Penny: "Why does Adele always think she knows better
than I do about what's good for me? Tell Adele to mind her own
business!" |
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Mother: "Are you sure that diet you're on works?
Do you know anyone who has actually lost weight on it?"
Penny: "No, but I did a lot of research before I
started it. Several well-known nutritionists recommend it highly." |
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Make New Habits
Notice that in each of the above examples, the point the speaker wanted to make could have been made just as well without mentioning anyone's name.
This kind of damaging speech is the easiest to change, because it comes from carelessness rather than any deep-seated negative feelings.
To eliminate this kind of damaging speech from your life, make a habit of not mentioning people by name. If you feel you need to add weight to your opinion, refer to other people in a general way. For example, Tom could have said, "I lot of my neighbors thought that you lacked experience."
Often we mention X by name because we think our listener doesn't know X and will never meet X. Life has an uncanny way, however, of bringing people together. You can never be sure, when you tell your date how you and your brother Edwin used to shoplift from the local toy store, that five years later and 2,000 miles away, Edwin may apply for a job involving handling large sums of money, and your former date may be the personnel director! Play it safe by keeping people's names out of your conversation.
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If you have any stories about how your relationship with your father
was impacted positively through words, please send them to us for
our upcoming Father's Day Issue at story@WordsCanHeal.org.
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Visit www.WordsCanHeal.org for more ideas on how to heal with words.
And spread the word! Send this message out today -- together we can make a difference!
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